In the Light of Day

I just want to do a quick rant on suicide. I know this isn't a pleasant topic, but screw it. I don't have time to be pleasant and make a joke about everything. Suicide is serious. And this is my first point. Don't belittle people when they say they are considering suicide. Don't say "oh you will not" (I got that from my aunt). And don't make the "that's so selfish" arguments. DON'T. That's bullshit and it just shows how ignorant you are about the issue. When you attempt to minimize the issue so you can deal with it you're only making it a bigger issue for that person. When I was told "you will not" I would go absolutely berserk. The main thing people who think about suicide want is acceptance. So when you minimize it you are pretty much giving them the gun/knife/pills/etc. There was a time when my aunt even handed me a knife after I said it.

A strange thing has been happening to me lately. I've found I cannot keep my window blinds closed in the apartment during the day. I feel like the walls are closing in and my chest starts to tighten. I feel like I'm about to throw up. But when I open the blinds and let the daylight in those bad feelings immediately dissipate. This causes a problem when it gets dark. If I leave the lights on and blinds open at night people will be able to see inside. So I have to close them at night.

And night is becoming another issue. I'm usually more comfortable when it is dark outside (I usually despise the sun), but this past week has hit me hard. I usually get up around noon (which I may have to change soon) and then it gets dark about 5 p.m. So I get five hours of daylight. It's really weighing on me. I'm having a hard time dealing with all the darkness. There's darkness in my mind, heart, then add the fact my physical surroundings are dark. It's very strange. I sure can't wait till the daylight savings time stuff changes.

Damn this depression. Damn this social anxiety. Damn the problems that are nagging at me. What the fuck do people want from me? I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm being worn down and overwhelmed by everything and I'm just struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes it gets so tiring I don't know what to do.