22 Going On 23

I got one of those stupid countdown things for my MySpace profile. I set it to count down to my birthday. Then I saw the numbers and freaked. It's just a little over two months until I'm 23. What the hell? How did this happen? Where have I been? I see that number and I feel this tightness in my chest. How can I be 23 already? People who are 23 are supposed to be adults with their lives figured out. They should be college graduates (well, unless their in law school or medical school).

I know everybody "comes to life" in their own time. My doctor (therapist) tells me that he didn't go back to school till he was in his thirties. He said he "majored in Rock and Roll." Okay. This is fine and dandy for him and the other people who think it's okay to be 23 and have no real grasp on where their life is headed. Shouldn't I have some small clue as to what the hell I'm doing?

What have I accomplished? What are my talents? How do my "talents" apply to The Real World?

I could be a stand-up comedian. Only I don't really have an "act" -- My humor lies in observations and playing off others. Oh, yeah... And obscenities. This could work... If I also didn't have this stage fright and fear of rejection.

I could be an actor. But the only places to really act around here is the Playhouse and the theater in Spring City and I've pretty much burned my bridges at both places. And who would want to see me on a stage anyway? Other than me, of course.

I could be a writer. Only I have what I'm told is "a confusing way of writing." What would I write? Where? And if I'm so confusing how could I actually make something out of it?

I'm terrified of the implications of 23. Numbers have always affected me. I believe there is a logic to the world. Everything is connected and everything has meaning and numbers play a large part in the synchronicity.

I remember turning 20 and going into a panic for weeks. Losing that 1 in front of my age hit me very hard.

Every year that passes gets me one step closer to another year. And another. Next is 25. Then 30. Then 35, 40, 45, 50. At that is if I live a long life. With my health (emotional and physical) and the state of the world that isn't likely. So, what if I only live to 46? Then 23 is my middle age, half my life would be over. What if I only live to 30? Then the majority of my life is over now.

I recently watched Friends with Money and Frances McDormand had the line, "We're just waiting to die."