Closure

I e-mailed two of my ex-girlfriends in an effort for closure. I wrote nice letters and did my best to speak from my heart, but to also speak with forgiveness and without regret. This is not something I recommend to people. Actually, I tell people not to do it, but I guess I should change that. It should be done when it is absolutely necessary. And it should be done without hostility or gloating.

It was necessary in my case. I am slowly dying because of these past events. I am suicidal when I think of past relationships and the events surrounding them. I get to the point where I obsess on them and drive myself into a pit. I become hostile toward the people I know, I let the apartment get dirty, I could cry at any moment... My world just crashes completely. Everything stops so that I can fall into my depression.

I felt that the only way to dig out from under some of this was to write to them and close it. The purpose of the e-mails was not to start a conversation. The purpose was the close it all in my mind and heart. I have this thing where I can't stand for things to be unresolved. When I have an argument with someone I will talk it to death to try and get things back to the way they were. When I would fight with my aunt I would really go insane. I would call her very bad names and actually damage objects (not intentionally; usually I just wanted to hurt myself and some inanimate objects would suffer the consequence). But when I came down from it I would do everything in my power to get it back to the way it was. I would beg, cry or do anything it took to make it all better. This would happen within minutes. I would be screaming until my voice went out at 4:35 and then begging for it all to be forgotten by 4:39. I would beg for hours. Endlessly. I couldn't go to sleep or do anything else until I felt it was resolved. It didn't matter that they said it was better. I had to feel it was better. And, one thing I was cursed with was an excellent intuition (oftentimes that bites me in the ass).

So is there closure now? No. There is no instant closure and I hate that. It's not like coffee, you don't get to choose between Instant Mocha or Hot French Vanilla. It takes time. And this is my one snag: I am impatient. I cannot stand to wait or be delayed. Everything must be as instantaneous as possible for me. I want it and I want it now, dammit.

Which brings me to another point: the reason I cannot be delayed. I try to schedule my life where as little time as possible is spent alone with my thoughts. If I am at a TV or a computer, it's fine. But when I am left alone with myself I begin to think and when I think I think of my past. My past hasn't been all that pleasant. I'm not saying there weren't some good times, but I've had more than my share of shit in 22 years. So when I am left alone with myself I begin to slip. And slipping is something I can't afford to do. Slipping leads to deep depression, deep depression leads to suicide. As a person who suffers from manic depression I am constantly aware of that ending. I know it's a major factor in my life and it always will be. Depression is like a cancer to me... It can come on strong, winding through your body. Then it can go into remission. But, in the end, it can kill you. It doesn't matter how many people say they love you or how many people try to help. In the end it comes down to the person and their will power to hang on... Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. Then again, sometimes it does.