The Down

I'm a little bit down in the dumps right now. Everything has been really good lately and that has thrown me off. What goes up must come down. Everything was just so great. I'm talking to a wonderful girl online who I may be meeting soon. I was watching Annie Hall and reading Spalding Gray's monologue Monster in a Box. Then, boom, I'm down. Now let me analyze this to find what the reason could be.

It's definitely not Annie Hall. This has quite simply got to be one of the best films ever made. I am ashamed it has taken me this long to see it. Any person interested in good movies has to have seen this film. It's a requirement for film lovers. The cast alone is unbelievable: Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Carol Kane, Paul Simon, Shelley Duvall, Colleen Dewhurst, Christopher Walken... Great story, hilariously presented. So, this cannot be a cause of my "down."

Now, Spalding Gray's Monster in a Box could possibly be a cause of the "down." Not because of his writing, of course. He is an amazing writer and I love to read his work, but it could be because of his death. His suicide. It affected me very strangely when I heard. I remember being drawn to his method: water. I've always been drawn to water as a way of ending it all as well. Along the same lines as Virginia Woolf. Perhaps this is a reason for the "down"?

Maybe it's the special girl I am talking to. She is a wonderful person and I'm very much looking forward to meeting her, but there is one hang-up. I have to meet her aunt first. She lives with her aunt and her aunt wants to make sure I'm not a serial killer. I appreciate this, respect it and have no problem with it. I do have a problem, however, with actually going through with it. I'm a very shy person and it scares me to meet people. I'm terrified of this and my anxiety attacks are already forming with just the thought of it. I'm trying to calm myself and breathe, but the anxiety keeps pounding away at me. Could this be a reason for the "down"?

Am I just overworked? I've been putting in 40 hours pretty consistently in my part-time job. I put up a note requesting less hours, but that hasn't happened. I put up another note today saying I'll no longer be able to work Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays because of school. Could possibly work Wednesday mornings if necessary. So, hopefully he'll follow through and listen to the request. He's pretty good about things like that. It's just we're a bit understaffed right now (and it's getting worse all the time). I'm proud of myself for sticking with the job as long as I have. Four and a half months and counting. With all the anxieties and etc. I am surprised I have made it this long. Shows me how strong I really am, I suppose.

What causes the "down"? Maybe there is no cause. I guess I have known for many years that the "down" is always there waiting to pop back up. This is something I have slowly come to terms with. This knowledge that I will have to live with the erratic "downs" for as long as I live. There is no cure, so maybe the cause isn't important.