Thoughts on a Thursday

What's wrong with me? How can I have almost everything I wanted and still not be happy? What will make me happy? Or, what in life is it that is keeping me from being happy? These questions keep rolling through my head. What am I missing?

I think I can need a person to share those intimate moments in life with... someone who can relate to me. Someone who will listen to me bitch endlessly and someone who has a lot to bitch back about. The people in my life right now are great, but there is still part of me who needs someone else. Someone with the power to evoke all the secrets I hold and not judge me. I feel like I have to censor myself around certain people in my life. Everyone gets parts of me, but not everyone gets the whole me. I need someone to share everything with... to share everything with without any consequence to our relationship. Does that make any sense?

Then, I think about love. Can someone love me? Can I love someone else? Am I loveable? What the hell is love, anyway? Am I one of those people who is better off alone? I take time for these questions to bounce around for a while. Nothing ever makes any sense, but I give it all time to play inside my head.

I'm thinking about going gambling. A friend said she knows of a place in Indiana called Caesar's. I'm thinking about taking off one morning and gambling the day away and coming back that night. Just a day out for fun... But, I'll need a "travel buddy"... I don't want to go alone.

And so, here I sit, thinking and evaluating. Looking over my life. My mistakes, my accomplishments. Weighing back and forth which one is the winner. And, I realize there is no winner. This is life. We don't win or lose. No one is better or less than anyone else. We are all the same and we all want the same things in life. The things may fall under different priority numbers, but we all wants the same things.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am happy. I'm also sad. It's part of that "madness of the mind" we all suffer from (but some of us are more in touch with it than others; it's a blessing and a curse). It's something I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, I'm sure. I am happy, though, but there are moments of... contemplation. And contemplation is not a good thing for me.