A moment of self doubt...

A moment of self doubt. Is that what this is? Do I doubt myself as a person or the decisions I have made? Or, do I doubt myself as a person FOR the decisions I have made? Does it matter? The fact is, we are only what we see ourselves as. And, there are times (recurring, but not as often as they once did) when I see myself as a lost cause. A sad, tragic figure. Which then leads to a terrifying thought: maybe I want to be a tragic figure. We can change our lives, but it takes action. And, the action must be our own. No one else can change the way we feel inside but ourselves. We hold the power over our feelings, even though at times it seems quite the opposite.

I have this desire, this strong need, to change my life. Drastically. To let go of all the hurt, the negativity that surrounds me. To be a happier person. A more carefree person. Then I think about what life would be like. How can someone live in this world and be carefree? How can someone live in this world and not be so burdened down by the pain and blood floating in the air? This person, this happy, carefree person, is this who I really want to be? It seems to be this person I'd have to deny everything in the world that says 'life is shit.'

I am a happy person. As happy as I can be considering my circumstances. This life deals each person a different set of cards and we have to learn how to play them. Some people can't handle what they are dealt and they fold. Some people play their cards recklessly. Others, more conservatively. How am I playing my cards? Am I even playing my cards at all? I feel like I am sitting out the game. I'm not moving at all. I've accomplished so little in the past few years. Every little step forward and I am thrown back to the ground. I want to start moving ahead, but I think to move ahead I am going to have to make some major changes in this life I am "leading" and changes in the way I view things, or react to them.

And here is where the problem lies. I know to change my life I must take action, but the challenge is so overwhelming I can barely stand to think about it. I can pinpoint the areas I need to work on, but the ability to work on them is something I am in the process of evaluating. I need time to breathe. I need to distance myself from the "noise" of the world. And yet, every time I try to sit in silence, I have this voice in my head that begins screaming for some distraction. A book, a movie, music, an errand. The fear of silence. The fear of knowing what we really think and accepting what we must do.