Sad

So it's a time to sit down and think. The world outside is dark and the headlights are passing by less and less frequently. It's time to evaluate ourselves and our decisions. At least it is for me. I become quite reflective at night as the "clouds" pass over. I liken my depression to a storm: It brings down hell, but eventually fades away. It always comes back, though, sooner or later.

I like being alone, I do. It does get sad from time to time, but it also provides a certain level of comfort and peace. I'm not good with the majority of people. There seems to be a small percentage of people in the world I can truly bond with. My moods change dramatically. One day I'm social, the next I can't stand to be seen, and this is something most people don't understand. Most people who haven't been depressed or bipolar cannot fully grasp what it does to people. It's an illness and it ruins relationships (it has with me). The worst part is there is a part of me inside watching as I slowly and methodically destroy every relationship and good thing around me. That person just sees a jerk. They don't really know me (and likely never can).

I've watched as I have hurt those around me... and I can't explain it. Even if I did, how do you tell them "It wasn't me" and expect them to understand? And, why does it matter? It'll just happen again and again. It's a self-destructive pattern that we're destined to go alone. We push people away because we know they won't understand. They don't get how you can have a complete change of feelings in a second or make major decisions on a whim.

The only problem here... the real problem... is we're alone in it. Most of us have to fight it alone. We cry at night, we fight the desire to end it all, and we get up the next day alone and try again. It hurts like hell, but I'm slowly accepting the loneliness and solitude. It's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't understand.

I do apologize for this post. I'm in a bit of a depression at the moment and really am not in full control of my mind. This will probably be interesting for me to look at tomorrow. I so rarely get to write my mind during these spells. I'm going to go for now and let this pass (it always does). Love to all.