The Quixote Complex

I've recently watched What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? and Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte. These films have a lot in common, but the thing that really hit me personally was the situation experienced by both of the characters Bette Davis played. In each one she was a character stuck in the past. Well, more to the point, she was stuck in what could have been and what caused her dreams and bright future to crash in around her. She ended up spending many tormented decades stewing in her own misery. And, while watching these amazing films I realized this is what I'm doing. I have gotten so caught up in the bad things that have happened to me and caused my life to take a turn I didn't expect, and I gave up on trying to have a normal life. Once you allow yourself to see your life as a tragedy it seems to continue that path without end.

I remember as a child I wanted to be a movie star. Actually, I wanted to have my own television series. I was very caught up in wanting that kind of success. I was going to take Hollywood by storm, because the world hadn't seen anything like me before... I would become so respected and loved. They would fear me and adore me. I seem to recall a lot of us in school had those kind of aspirations. If it wasn't wanting to be in a movie, it was wanting to be in a band. Somehow we were all looking for fame and the attention of the public. I remember a group of us sat down one time to write a movie script that would star all of us. It was never finished and, eventually, lost. But, now, here I am... Still pursuing that dream of wanting something more while all the others have moved on into "reality" -- whatever that is.

I still long for that success. It's changed over time, though. For a while it was movies, or television, then theatre, then writing novels, then poetry, and then journalism. It seems I'm drawn to whatever puts my thoughts or energy out to the public. As everyone else that marched with me in those dreams have wandered off, I continue on. Where is Matthew Ward? He's still out there chasing those pesky windmills, striving for something he'll probably never have.

I believe dreams change with the person, and surely I've changed, but my dreams have not. I'm no closer now than I was a decade ago. I don't have the world's love or respect, fear or adoration. I am just here, burning my own spotlight in an empty auditorium. Bette Davis once said that if she hadn't made it as an actress she was prepared to be "the best damn secretary in the world." What a great way of thinking. Whatever she ended up being, she would be the best. Perhaps I should adopt this line of thinking.