Okay... And Here We Go Again...

Lately I have been trying to deal with this new round of depression. It's awful. I swear there is no way to escape the pain. There is no way to find some peace of mind. It hurts. Deeply. And it's tearing me apart, from the outside in.

So, to explain to people why I may have been acting strangely lately... I've been doing a little self-medication thing. I've been taking sleeping pills when things get "out of hand" (when the depression gets to a point where it could mean my life). But, at the same time, I'm taking diet pills. Now, the problem here is that diet pills are filled with caffeine. So one pill is trying to put me to sleep and the other is trying to keep me awake. They're battling it out, and that didn't even occur to me until recently. Anyway, my actions lately have been based on how "out of it" I have been under the power of the sleeping pills. It's not an excuse, but it's the best I have.

I am slowly making my way out of this. The hardest part is not being able to explain to people how deep the pain is... It's hard for people to really grasp because this particular situation is one that is foreign to them. So, it's something I have to deal with (somewhat) alone.

I can't really complain, though... It's my own fault. My own bad decisions, or lack of logically looking at everything, is what landed me here. And I know people are tired of hearing it. I know this. I am trying to not discuss it to anyone anymore just to spare them. My "circle" of trust has shrunk because of this... I am realizing who I can talk about "this situation" to and who I cannot. Who is trustworthy and helpful, and who is not.

When I speak about these things... and this pain, I am reaching out. Desperately. I want help. I expect someone to help me, but they can't. I close doors, push people away. It's just what I do. It's how I'm built, how I have survived. I guess I want someone to force a hug around me. Someone to show me they care... Prove it's not a fake sentiment to get me to shut up. I don't know what I expect from people, but I know some have tried... And I appreciate that.