Stagnant

My life is stagnant. Everything is so confusing and so many things are "up in the air" -- there is no real security in anything I am doing anymore. Very little to depend on. And, what little I can depend on, or should be able to depend on, I begin to question.

Schools starts on the 16th... I've been telling people that my "life is going to change" on the 16th. I want to start doing things. I want to go places. I want to meet new people. I say all these things, but I know the truth. I know I'm not going to do things or go places. I know I won't meet new people. I know this. I know myself well enough to know old habits die hard. It's all an anxiety issue and I'm terrified to make any steps forward.

I feel like a failure and I'm letting everyone down. How can anyone depend on me with the life I am leading now?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

The girl I care about most, the one I have gone through hell for, won't be there when the time comes. I feel this in my heart for some reason. I just feel like she deserves better. I would do anything for her, no matter what, together or not (I promised this a long time ago, and I keep my promises). But, I fear she'll just be another one of the people in my life who will leave me. It seems everybody leaves me eventually, one way or another.

This was an incredibly depressing post, and for that I apologize. I'm really feeling fine and my life is okay at the moment. I just needed to get this off my chest.