What Lies Ahead?

Lately I've been considering what I'm doing with my life. What does my future hold? What career am I going after? I've always had a few ideas in my head, but none of them really seemed to gel with reality. Then I realized what I love doing. I love to write. I love words. I love how words fit together and create images. I love how words help people, or inform them. My mind went back to journalism.

Before I jump into this, I needed encouragement. My uncle offered unsolicited encouragement (the best kind) and said he thought that'd be a good career for me. Both of my aunts seem to be on board. I e-mailed my cousin in Texas who has some knowledge in this area, and who reads almost everything I write (I send short stories and other things to her as soon as I write them), and she said it'd be a perfect fit.

I'm feeling better and better about it, but I'm still nervous. It's scary to finally settle down to what you're going to do for the rest of your life. The future is terrifying. I realize it's going to be a hard road. First of all, I cannot do math or science anymore. I did as much as I could, and I can't tolerate it anymore. My mind doesn't work well in those subjects. So if a degree in English or Journalism requires any math or science classes, I'm not getting a degree. I will just hone my skill as much as I can and get a job with whatever newspaper I can. Write freelance stuff in my free time.

I'm feeling pretty good. I've been working on my mind a lot. Trying to weed out all the negative things. So many people just talk about people and say negative thing after negative thing. It just wears on me. I'll admit I have problems with a lot of people. I don't even try to hold onto negative feelings. It's pointless. I could say a lot of negative things about her, but that only hurts me. It also spreads the negativity onto other people who'd read it. What's the point? I'm very fed up with the negativity and I'm trying to dig myself out of it. I have moments of intense negativity, but I don't want to stay there. I need to watch the people I let into my life. Some bring high levels of negativity and that isn't what I need.

I finished Patricia Cornwell's book Unnatural Exposure and am now moving on to the next in the Dr. Kay Scarpetta series, Point of Origin. This one has started off a bit slower for me than the last one, but I'm looking forward to really becoming excited about it soon.

I gave my notice at the Ramada under less than ideal circumstances and tomorrow I will most definitely get a response of some sort from my manager or his wife. I'm not looking forward to that.

Currently listening to several CDs. Everything from Bob Dylan to Bette Midler, Gillian Welch to Emmylou Harris, Cher to Patty Griffin, Reba McEntire to Tracy Chapman. I've listened to almost every CD I own in the past two months, which usually happens when I get depressed. And I was very depressed. My thoughts of E.A.P. came back with such brutal force I'm surprised I held on as well as I did. I'm fighting these thoughts now. Well, I'm trying. I just keep imagining her out there with other guys and it kills me. I imagine the love that was torn away from us. I wonder how she feels about me now. If she even thinks about me now. If I mean anything to her now. It's agony. But the music takes it away the majority of the pain. A strong vocalist and amazing lyrics can do wonders for the soul.