Honesty Under Fire

Lately I've been facing an increase in opposition to my honesty. So many people are telling me it's not a good thing to be as honest and open as I am about myself. One person mentioned that these things about myself are mine and no one else's business... So what is my need to purge all of this information? Why am I so driven to be completely honest?

I learned a couple of years ago how to find some semblance of peace in my own skin. The trick was to accept yourself and especially your flaws. And to be honest. I'm not saying to not lie. Lying can be a good thing. I'm talking about honesty within yourself and out. The truth of who a person is.

I remember when I first began to "change." I was at the Playhouse talking to some volunteers and I met this woman who was a new volunteer. We started talking and soon I was pouring out my heart and my entire life story to her. All the good things, all the dark things. This was such a revelation. I had shared these dark moments and I had survived.

Next, I took a stand on my beliefs. My aunt and uncle were very firm that I attend church regularly. I, on the other hand, have a more complicated view of organized religion and the idea of church. I'm not against anything, keep that in mind. It just isn't where I'm at in my life. I'm searching for my truth and I wasn't finding it there. I took a stand and quit attending church. After facing several heated conversations (arguments) with my aunt and uncle, I came through it with the knowledge I can do what I want to and need to. The freedom of knowing I can stand up for what I believe and not be restrained by people who think differently was so empowering...

I don't hide my past. I don't hide my life. I've made many mistakes. I was bullied and spit on in high school. I've attempted suicide. I've spent a week in a mental hospital. I treated my father like shit as he died of cancer. I faced the courts when I made a decision with a girl. I went off my medication because I was tired of taking it. I think sex is overrated. I can gossip with the best of them. I can stab a person in the back. I have a conscience bigger than anyone I've ever met... I feel guilty for the smallest things I say/think/do. I'm easily hurt. I can give good advice, but I couldn't save myself if I tried. I have a deep dislike for people who are stupid (partying all the time, doing drugs, drinking, endangering others). I consider myself better than some of those people. I was cheated on and used for a material possession by a girl who was dating another girl during our time together. I like to shock people. I am complicated. I am a liberal. I like to be complimented, but I can also be easily embarrassed by it. I support gay marriage. I support a woman's right to choose whether to have an abortion or not. I want to be a star, with all the world watching me. I will always have to deal with depression... It's like a cancer that slowly eats at you... It can go into remission, but it can also kill you... It never really goes away completely. I want to find love, but I also fear it.

I'm in the middle of my journey of self-discovery. It's a long road. I almost like who I am. I guess my complete honesty is just a step in my self-discovery. Why do I have to hide these things? If I'm not liked for who I really am then what's the point?

I am who I am. Due to circumstances within my control or sometimes outside my control, I am me. I can't change my past. I can't change my feelings. I am affected by them. I am shamed by them. I am proud of them. I am who I am.