Relationships (n.), abstract. Disasters in the making.

Let’s talk about relationships. Granted, I’ve been in very few of these, but the ones I have been privileged to be in have taught me some things. I believe each relationship teaches you a little more than the last and, eventually, when you’ve matured through this knowledge, you can settle into a real relationship of understanding.

The relationship I am currently in is a great example of a learning experience. It is also a great example of a complete mess. We live close, but still at enough of a distance we don’t see each other much. I think this is the main thing that has brought our relationship to where we are now. We’ve been dating for six and a half months and throughout this time I’ve been desperately trying to hold it all together. One person cannot make a relationship work and as I fight to hold us together, she doesn’t seem to care at all. She says she does, and says all the things I need to hear, but in the end I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

In the past, I have stayed in a relationship as long as I can. Right up to the point where I see it’s not going anywhere or to the point where it’s too painful to even bother. I’ve learned you cannot be in a relationship if you have to compromise who you are to be in it. And, now, here I am again at this point. I can’t allow myself to be taken advantage of, but I keep clinging to this disaster I’ve helped create.

Why am I holding on to this relationship when I know I should let go? Is it a physical attraction that holds me? Is it this love I feel for her? Is it be the fear of being alone again? The fear that if I let her go, I am right back where I was half a year ago.

I do care about her deeply, but I’m beginning to doubt she cares about me half as much as she says she does. I’ve tried talking to her about it all, but it gets us right back to where we started. And I listen to her words and her promises and it’s always the same in the end. I know what I need to do, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

How do you let go when you’re afraid? How do you let go of something that had the potential to be something great? How do you let go when you love the person you have to let go of? Where do you find the strength to cut your losses and move forward with your life? All the rhetorical questions just get me right back to where I started. I know the answers, but for some reason, right now, I just can't face up to them.