Just Pieces from a Battered Mind

Pleasing everyone else has never been an option for me; it always seemed a given. What else was there to do? I basically grew up in a prison where I was verbally and emotionally abused by my father (who was just passing on a family trait) at home and my days at school were spent being teased, bullied and taunted by my peers. I never stood up for myself, which is probably where my desire to have control over my life comes from. But, in my childhood, I had no choice. You did what you were told, you thought what you were told to think, and you kept quiet. I still live this way and find myself struggling more and more to express how I really feel. Or even to know and comprehend how I really feel.

I’ve made no secret of my mental problems. Hell, the funny thing is I am almost proud of them. I’ve had my moments of complete insanity and I’ve spent more than enough time in the darkest corners of my mind. I live a very erratic life, I make life-changing decisions suddenly and enact them just as quickly. My moods change so frequently that people are taken aback. It’s as if a tornado has just come down in the middle of a sunny day. I can be sweet, I can be kind. I can be vicious, I can be brutal. It can all happen in a matter of seconds and most people can’t handle it (in my family, however, I‘m just another pill in the bottle). This turbulent behavior is really a bad combination with my self-destructive tendencies.

Trust is problem that breaks down any relationship. Growing up, I was taught to question everyone’s motives. I find it hard to trust anyone for any reason and I’ve been known to shut people out completely who‘ve hurt me or betrayed me. I seem to gravitate toward people who take advantage of me and I keep bouncing back to them. The image that comes to mind is a beaten dog who always slinks right back to the master.

When I moved into my apartment, I began talking quietly and walking around as quietly as possible. I still find myself doing this. I am so worried about bothering someone I alter my world to a point where I’m unhappy. I do this with everything. Everyone else’s feelings and comfort seems to come before mine.

As much as I wish I could be a rebel and scream out how I am my own person, I can’t. I’m still a prisoner to all the people who’ve held the whips in the past. I’m slowly breaking down those walls, though. Just writing this little piece is a breakthrough. So I’m erratic and unpredictable. So I’m loud and making decision you wouldn’t make? So I’m out there screwing up my life? So I think and say things you disagree with? So what? Don’t like it, then fuck off. Who needs you? What I wouldn’t give to just be able to live that philosophy. I’m trying, I really am.