Lessons Earned

I seem to be forever battling the contradictions running through my mind. I never seem to know who/what I am. Maybe this is a good thing, I don’t know. I do know it is extremely tiring. I wonder, though, how people can even tolerate me at all. I know I can be difficult, to say the least. I know I can be very vocal, unreliable or just a downright pain in the ass. I know this, yet I can’t change it. I’m not sure I’d want to anymore. Maybe this is what makes me interesting. I know it has “created” me in a lot of ways. Perhaps it’s all for the best. In the end, of course. For now, I just sit amazed at how many people actually stand by me and tolerate my ways. You think it’s tough dealing with me now and then? Imagine being me. Oh, geez! To put up with me 24/7 -- Just imagine.

I want to help people. I’ve said this before, but I’m never quite sure how to go about it. Last night I was lying in bed thinking. I thought about how all the people who have inspired me have done so with their lessons, with their knowledge; the knowledge they have gained through various moments in their lives.

I began to think about my knowledge. I have knowledge, I thought. Surely I do. Then I realized I am doing all I can. I can help by continuing to inform people about mental illness. I can help by standing up for what I know is right. I can help by sharing the hard-won lessons of my life with others.

Really, I shouldn’t be here. By all logic, I should have been dead ten times over. I have survived both my mother and father’s death, a pretty serious coffee burn all down my left arm, a stolen (and stripped) car, constant abuse/torment in high school, two (official) suicide attempts, a mental hospital, a move to a different city/state where I knew two people, and being arrested. Now, together these may mean nothing, but when you add the fact that all throughout these events I suffered from the manic depression and generalized anxiety, well, let’s just say it’s a miracle I’m still standing. So, I began to realize that each day I live is a testament. It’s not arrogant to pull out these moments in my past and use them, and scream them, if it helps one person (just one) in some way. That’s what it’s really all about. I “earned” those lessons the hard way. It’s not shameful or self-absorbed to use what I have suffered through/for if it can benefit others.

And so it came full circle. Here I am desperately trying to find a way to help people, to help make my imprint on the world, and I realize I’m already working at it. I don’t know if anyone has been changed in any serious way because of anything I have said or done, but I can always hope. It’s all I have, really, these lessons and this desire to use them for something other than my own personal torment. I do hope someone reads these blog entries. I do hope there is something to be gained from them.