Chubby, Poetry, School, Relationships, and a Fantasy World

You know, it's funny. No matter how often you call yourself fat, it doesn't really sink in until someone else calls you fat. Actually, I was called "chubby." Which is just a cuter name for fat people. Just because it's cute does not make it a compliment. Or hurt any less, for that matter.

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. It's strange how we complain about our weight, but until someone else draws it to our attention, it doesn't really seem that big of a deal. I'm not happy the way I am. I have dieted hard, I have dieted light. I have done what I can, but I seem to be stuck on the Oprah diet plan: In 2001, I was probably around 140. In 2003, I was 220. In 2004 I was 170. Now I'm 195 and rising. I'm tired of the fluctuations. I'm tired of being "chubby." Take me back to the good ol' days of thin.

Another poem of mine, "Untitled," was selected to be published and also put in a CD collection of poetry readings. Kind of neat. Another one was chosen for this several years ago. I know the poetry places are mostly scams, but only if you buy the books. If you can avoid that, you're getting people to read your words, and that's what matters to me. Just getting it out there.

School starts soon and I'm really dreading it. It's like a torture I place upon myself every semester. I don't really have a choice, though. Gotta do somethin'.

A few of my relationships with people have been suffering. I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not sure I need to do anything about it. Everything works itself out for the best anyway. It doesn't matter, I suppose. It comes down to the old thought: I'd rather have one best friend than 20 acquaintances. And I have some really good friends. For that I'm thankful.

I have a hard time making friends because I'm on the outside. I always have been. I was raised in a very different world. I see the kids today and I think how different my life was. I can't remember anybody having a cell phone when I was in school. I don't remember all the sex (it was happening, I guess, but no one was really talking about it). I graduated from a grade school that went from Kindergarten to 8th grade. I graduated high school in a class of seven. I lived on a street of 10 houses where everybody knew everybody else and you could trust any of your neighbors to watch your kids. Everyone looked out for everyone else. I didn't attend parties. I didn't smoke, do drugs, drink.

It was weird, when I worked at the Playhouse I worked with a woman who was 80 -- She'd bring up stories about her past and I could relate. She'd talk about how many kids go to high schools these days (so overcrowded) and she'd say, "You kids..." and I'd have to correct her. I could not be included that way. I wasn't brought up in that world. We shared similar life experiences. It was strange. So now as I try to push myself into the social world of 2007, it almost seems pointless. I don't want to fit into what I see out there. I was raised in a different kind of 1950s world and I want that (to a degree). I'd still like to be shamelessly off-the-wall and sometimes lack tact. I guess what I want is the 50's frame of mind. More tasteful than it appears to be now.

I used to think that living in "my own little world" was a negative thing. But I realize I can live in whatever world I want. I can choose who I surround myself with. I can decide what I'm subjected to (for the most part). So if I want to live in my little fantasy world where people have some modicum of decency -- then that's what I'll do.