Better to Give...

I am constantly fighting this feeling to explain myself. I decided I wouldn't fight it any longer and I would try to express what goes on inside my head.

I have a control issue. Mostly it has to do with relationships and friendships. It's not a bad form of controlling. It's as if I let go of this "watch" on my relationships with people I will lose them. I feel that I have to respond as quickly as possible to every phone call, e-mail and message I receive. This causes me to get overwhelmed at times and I panic. I have lost a lot of people in my life for many different reasons, so I try desperately to cling to the people I have. Sometimes it comes off a lot differently than I intend it, at that point, you just have to ignore me. I'm working on learning to step away from the drama and need to be instantly available with advice or a joke all the time -- I need to learn to get alone and just relax, clear my mind and lift my soul.

I am constantly redefining who I am and trying to clarify my purpose in life. As I do this, it causes a kind of turbulent wave through my friendships. Each day of my life is a roller coaster and sometimes I get caught up in the drama and get moody. I say or do things that I regret. I spend a lot of my time apologizing (for things I should, and many times for things I shouldn't).

Sometimes I appear as if there's a harder "shell" on me. This is how I have learned to survive. I believe that everybody has the angel and devil fighting on their shoulders. They each compliment each other in some strange way.

I want to help people. I think it's important to do what you can with your life to help others, because, really, what other purpose could there be to living if not to improve the lives of others? I want to help with charities. I want to stand up for causes that are important to me. That's why I've made the decision to not accept gifts (unless it's a special circumstance). Instead, I have a list of places people can donate money to, if they choose: NAMI, Human Rights Campaign, American Cancer Society, PETA, Hospice, First Book, and Rosie's For All Kids Foundation. There will probably be more added to this list over time, but, for now, these are the most important ones to me. I'll put a list of the links permanently on the menu to the right.

It's time to give back. I've been very lucky in my life. I've never had to want for anything and it's about time I appreciate this fact and try to help others since I have the opportunity. I want to use words to inform and assist and I hope I can make a career of this some day. If it doesn't work out that way, fine, I'll find some other way to help, but I will help.

This is a very disconnected post. It doesn't flow very well at all, but it's almost 2 a.m. and I'm having a hard time really grasping what I intended to say. Maybe there is some piece of information in here that will help in your understanding of me, or help to build some respect in me (cause I think that's what we're all really looking for, anyway).