I AM OKAY!

Life got complicated and I nearly crumbled to it. Then a new day came and I let myself see it for what it was: a new beginning. How long can I let my past haunt me or hurt me? I can't do it anymore. I'm not saying it won't haunt me, because it always will, but I don't have to be affected by it so deeply. I'll always make mistakes and bad choices and I can't apologize for them all. And I shouldn't have to...

I have given myself completely to people and some of them have taken advantage of me. Some have done what they can to hurt me and use me without regard to my feelings. I could hold this in my heart and be weighed down by it or I could realize that I am not to blame for it. I am not to blame for how people have treated me. I did nothing wrong. I loved with all my heart and for that I cannot be ashamed. I'm not the type of person who could do that to someone. It amazes me that someone can be so cold.

I was watching Margaret Cho's comedy movie Notorious C.H.O. and she talks about how her father only let her watch beauty pageants on TV and never seemed to talk to her when she gained weight, but when she lost weight he was happy with her. She says she was programmed to be unhappy with herself until she thought: Maybe this is it. Maybe this how I look and nothing I do can change that. She also talked about being programmed to think that being single is bad. So, my New Year's resolutions are to meet new and interesting people and to be happy with myself the way I am. If I want to lose weight, fine, but I need to realize if I don't, I'm still okay. I have a lot going for me so why should I worry about how I look. If people don't like me for how I look or how much I weigh then I don't need them in my life anyway.

I'm slowly building up my strength and knowing that I am a great person with a lot to offer. And letting myself break down over every little thing isn't going to work. I've been through enough in my life so far to call myself a survivor. I won't break because someone has hurt me. I won't break because people move on and love isn't enough sometimes. I am strong and I can take every bullet life throws at me. I will be okay. Hell, I am okay.