Plaisir d'Amour

Starting to define what I want in life and love. It's not as hard as I thought it was. I've spent a while mulling over the fact I had everything I could want and lost it all. I had found love and had lost it. The old saying "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" played through my mind several times a day; I don't believe it, though. The pain of not being with the one you love is beyond words. I can never express the hole in my heart without her. As I have said before, she's one of the few people I would die for, but as it seems there's really nothing I can do, I need to move on. I guess I should take a certain comfort in the fact I know now that love does exist; whether I'll find it again, I don't know. Love is that evil double-edged sword. It can give life, and it can ruin life.

So, no more playing games with the heart. I know I've spent time after losing her trying to immediately jump into another relationship, which was wrong on my part. I should have known better, but I had never been in a place like that before. I accept my responsibility for that and must deal with my guilt and regret over that. I did learn a lot about myself and what I need in others, though. I suppose that is the whole point, really. Learning. Learning something from an experience makes that experience somewhat worthwhile, even if you wish it had never occurred.

I guess I'm growing and learning. Life sure has changed in the past few years; each month it's like my life has spun around 360 degrees. I must let go, though. I must let go of the hurt. I must let go of the pain. I must let go of what I can't bring back. I must hold my head high and know my worth. I must believe deeply that I deserve better. I must hold on to the memories, but release the pain and know, in the end, it's all worth it in life. Love, death, etc. It's all a growing experience. As is said in an old song from Ireland, I believe (don't hold me to that, I may be wrong): "Joys of love are but a moment long, pain of love endures the whole life long." I think that sums it up.

To close, I want to include another lyric from Mary Chapin Carpenter I feel somewhat fits with this: "I thought a light went out, but now a candle shines. I thought my tears wouldn't stop, then I dried my eyes. And after all of this, the truth that holds me here is that this emptiness is something not to fear."

And, goodnight.