I Keep on Falling...

I’m falling again. I’m trying to hold my ground the best I can. I’ve been expecting it, perhaps not so soon, but I knew it’d be back. Figures, huh? I just start edging my way out of my two week depression and right back I go. I hope this one won’t last too long.

I’m losing my grip and control on life. I’m doing my best not to fall behind in my classes, but at the same time I don’t want to be near people. I also don’t want to be pitied. That’s what I feel people do too often with me. Oh, poor Matthew. They worry about me and I appreciate it. They say, “If you start getting depressed, call me” - but, the joke is, when I’m depressed, I don’t feel like calling anyone (and sometimes physically can’t). Yes, I know they’re worried about me and what I may “do,” and I suppose they have every right, I haven’t always been the picture of sanity in my 21 years. I worry about me sometimes, too. Not that there’s much I can do for me or anyone else could do for me either.

I’ve spoken to my doctor about what happens if it gets too much and if there was a hospital I could check myself into if it came to that and he suggested one for me. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I’ve been surprised by my own actions far too many times to ever underestimate myself. That’s the trick, you know? The old saying is to never underestimate your enemy or opponent.

So, as for today, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to go to the store, which I will probably do in a couple of hours. I also have an appointment with my therapist and a personal finance class. I don’t know if I will get all, or any, of these things done today, but I hope I accomplish something.

I’m going to end this one with an Emmylou Harris lyric: “One thing they don’t tell you about the blues when you got ‘em, you keep on fallin’ cause there ain’t no bottom, there ain’t no end…”